Dear Depression: I Am Still Here

Dear Depression,

You are probably my oldest friend— seems strange to call you… friend. You are my longest relationship. I have slept with you and fought with you; dined with you and called you name as I shot a load on the flesh of strangers. I have downed whole bottles of gin with you. I tried to silence you by removing us from this world, but here I am writing to you— still here.

The greatest thing I did for us was to tell you that you were too heavy for me alone. That I could accept your existence, but I couldn’t bear your presence by myself. The days of not showering or eating because you told me I was worthless; the bodies that I went after and souls I devoured because you told me no one could want me; the jobs I let slip through my fingers and assignments and classes I avoided because you told me I couldn’t do it— I could no longer stand naked with you as you whispered or shouted that I wasn’t worth it. Our relationship could no longer be the two of us anymore.

The greatest thing I did for us was to bring us to her office and tell her about you. To admit out loud, to a professional therapist, that I was suffering underneath you.  That my body would not survive this world, that my spirit would not survive you if I continued with you as my secret.

As you sit next to me during my commutes or hog the blanket after the sun has set and I attempt to sleep off the day, it’s easier to live with you because you are no longer just a “random” mood swing. You are no longer a bad day or a bad week or a bad month. You are no longer the silent killer severing ties to people who say they love me— you are no longer a hidden burden. You are my longest relationship and it is not always easy, but acknowledging your existence out loud has made it easier for me to share a life that I finally embrace as worth living— even when you don’t.

You are my longest relationship and the weight of most of my worry but every day I speak of your existence and live in spite of your taunting, I grow more equipped and able. I illuminate a bit brighter. I love deeper.

I am still here.

Signed,

Anonymous
 

#DearDepression is an interactive healing space, for Queer men of diversity, which hopes to take the shame and loneliness out of depression through anonymous electronic letters. The project is run by The Each-Other Project. To learn more visit the #DearDepression project page.